“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
– Samuel Beckett

So after taking a hiatus for several years, I have decided to restart my inspirational writings again.  It’s not that I stopped writing, quite the contrary, I just stopped posting pieces in my blog, but I have decided to start yet again, continuing a journey I begun as a child, writing that is, and posting online, which I began 2010? One should never give up, and the journey is never over, it changes trajectory, even complete direction, the momentum slows down, almost to a complete stop, but the journey is never over, never.  Even when one passes on, hopefully, they leave a legacy and so the journey continues.  No am not passing on, not right now anyway, am just saying, my journey, my most recent trajectory continues.

So with that, I feel I have grown a great deal as a person.  My angel went off to do her IB diploma and chose to do it in Costa Rica!  I think she wanted to distance herself from me, and I don’t blame her, I did tend to smother her, single child of a single parent and all that.  Her departure did what it was intended to do, besides her academic progress, she learned further how to be independent, and how to live with people from around the world.  She also got a chance to come out of my shadow and my way of doing things and see a different perspective.  She found her voice, and though I am biased, I like it a lot.  She is growing into an amazing young woman and I am very proud.

In her absence, and what an absence it was, I was forced to regroup and reorganize and after 17 years of focusing on her.  August 2018, I was forcibly thrust into a situation where I had to rethink of my existence and my reason for being.  Something I would not have willingly done unless something drastic happened.  Well UWC Costa Rica happened!  And what a happening, firstly it took me holding on to status quo for an additional 8 months, I kept everything intact, even her room, as though she was coming back to that house and that room and nothing had changed.  We lie to ourselves to make the transition easier, at least that is what we say.  Ha! The joke was on me! Everything had changed, she was never coming back to the way things were before August 2018.  Even if she came back, she would be a different person and the way we engaged would be different.  

It took her birthday, 17 years and the first time that I was not physically with her.  To simplify it I felt like shit! Like a failure, like all that I had done, all the education, work experience, all of my life to this point was not good enough to allow me financially or practically to be with my angel on her birthday, that far away.  I called, feeling such guilt at having failed her, only to be shut down with the fact that since she was that far away (9 hours behind away) that her birthday was the next day and I should wait to wish her a happy birthday then.  Needless to say, it went south from there.  When I did try to call her the next day, she was not available, too busy enjoying her birthday with her new friends in her new environment.  Children can be so cruel!

Then it dawned on me! She has moved on and she is well and along her way to becoming everything I wished for her.  Independent and well adjusted!  I was the one who had not made the transition and was still hanging on to her coattails for a sense of belonging.  Not knowing who I was now and which direction I was headed and terrified at a future that looked so different for the past that I was accustomed to.

I needed to find me, to rediscover me and who I want to be today and tomorrow.  Life on my terms now not determined by others.  Life as I would like it to become.  I am taking the time to get to know myself now and making whatever adjustments I need to make in areas I feel are wanting.  Taking responsibility for my happiness, defining myself on my terms! I am excited!